When I think of medicine on the spiritual path, I often tend to think of all of the wonderfully juicy moments in awakening that feel so good.
But most medicine is pretty hard to swallow.
Remember that pink antibiotic you’d have to drink as a kid? I still get nauseous when I think about it.
Last week my partner let me know that his son didn’t want me to join them for an upcoming event we had planned to be together for. His son wanted to spend time with just his dad and sister, as always. We’re only a few months into our relationship. It’s very meaningful and healthy, but there’s a lot to navigate.
The information was delivered with so much love and care. It was real, honest, and kind. I was gutted. Tears wanted to flow immediately and my entire being started shutting down.
Don’t take it personally.
We always tell people that.
Yes, logically, I fully understand that. That is also so insanely hard to do. I failed. I took everything that was said personally. In that moment I was certain I was dying inside. If you have truly learned how to not take the things those you care about say or do personally without completely shutting down or disconnecting from your beautiful heart, please show me your ways.
Also, I probably won’t believe you.
After a couple hours of dying inside and feeling all the feels, I started preparing for a workshop I had signed up for several weeks ago. I told myself how grateful I was to have a space to really go deep, do some inner work, and move all this energy.
Going to the workshop no longer felt in alignment, something was off, but I had committed.
Meanwhile, I was crying such beautifully healing tears. A lot had happened in the days prior and so much pain that hadn’t had the space to be fully expressed was finally flowing. The news from my partner’s son had opened the gates.
I felt held, surrounded by spirit as I cried. I received messages of love and support. I could feel energy surging throughout my body, very deep layers of healing.
I logged into zoom for the workshop and there was an immediate shift in energy and knowing of misalignment. I did not resonate with the way the teachers were holding space, nor did I connect with any of the fellow students at the workshop. I couldn’t drop in during mediation, my body couldn’t relax, and I wasn’t really getting anything at all from the workshop. I love learning, I love workshops, I nerd out hard on all things woo – this was not the norm for me.
I kept giving myself hundreds of reasons why I needed to ignore my knowing and stay. I had committed to be there. I must be getting something out of this. What I am experiencing is just my blocks, my energy, my (insert all the things). I couldn’t leave. I’d make the teachers uncomfortable. It’d be mean. I was just being judgmental. This internal dialogue played in the background during the workshop for over an hour and a half.
At one point someone started talking about leaving environments that we do not resonate with. My entire body responded, “HERE, THIS MOMENT, RIGHT FREAKING NOW. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE HERE. YOU’VE KNOW THIS FOR 90 MINUTES. LISTEN!”
I chuckled. It was so damn clear. The teachers had medicine to offer, as did the workshop, but it was simply not for me.
I finally left.
And in leaving, there was the medicine.
I was flooded with all of the many ways I stay in misaligned spaces, have conversations with people I don’t really want to talk to, or do things I really don’t want to do. Sometimes I’m stuck in people pleasing mode, trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings at the expense of my own.
What came up the loudest for me was that I needed to honor the commitment I made.
I needed to sit in a space I was not at all resonating with for 2.5 hours because I had made a commitment. I let it override my knowing. I knew before the workshop started and I knew every single moment until I finally left after 90 minutes.
That same morning, I had committed to be in a co-working space for 2 hours from 6-8am to work on my creative offerings. It’s a wonderful space held by someone I am very much in alignment with. I absolutely love the space, but this particular day I really just needed to sleep. There was not any reason why I needed to get up at 5:30am. The days prior had been very overwhelming in many ways, and I simply needed to rest.
But I had made a commitment.
I almost messaged to communicate that I wouldn’t be there twice, each time deleting the message and deciding I needed to be there.
A commitment does not override our knowing.
After many downloads on this topic and plenty of tears, I sat outside and watched the sunset. Again, I felt held – surrounded by spirit, surrounded by nature, surrounded by love.
I had left this beautiful container I had created for myself to go into a space that did not feel safe, loving, or aligned. It seemed so silly, so clear. I was grateful for the new awareness.
I felt excited to say no in new ways, and in saying no, saying a big yes to loving myself and stepping into the spaces that are in alignment for me.
I thought of my partner’s son and how his kind, honest, self-loving words had rocked me to my core.
It was bitter, unexpected medicine.
I never want to condition that out of him, my kids, anyone.
We learn to abandon ourselves, our knowing, to please others.
It is so sacred, and often very scary, to listen to our hearts and speak up.
Can we own and express what is true for us? And when we receive a truth that is hard to swallow, can we own our hurt while still honoring what is true for another?
Sending an extra-large spoonful of honey to help the medicine go down,
Melissa